Today, I went for the first time to the California DMV. Not out of the blue. I made an appointment. On the interwebs. I told the interwebs I needed to get a new driver’s license and plates for my car. Because I want my car to feel like it belongs. To a state with a huge deficeit, horrible school system, decimated job market and completely insane governor.

So, to recap, “Hey interwebs, I need an appointment to get a license and plates”. Interwebs: “Awesome! 9:00 on Tuesday dude!” “cool, THANKS, interwebs!”

Today was the day. I get there and found a spot right in front of the DMv. That is the last positive thing to happen to me. Don;t get me wrong, the next hour was completely hilarious, just not successful or positive.

So, I walk in, and there is a line for “people who think that having an appointment is gonna make any difference whatsoever”. I get to the front, and say

“Hi, I need to get plates for my car and a new drivers license and I have an appointment”.

“We don;t do driver’s licenses here”.

“But the interwebs said…”,

“only vehicles”.

“ok.”

This isn;t the first time the interwebs have let me down. There was a time in the 90’s when I was of the belief that Angie Harmon was super hot. Now I realize she looks like a dude. The interwebs did that.

But I digress. So the guy tells me, “you have to get your car inspected.”

“Ok, can I do that here?”

“Yeah, fill out this paperwork and get your car in the line outside”

“But my car had an appointment”

“You did, but your car doesn’t”

“But it CAN’T make an appointment for itself… no fingers!”

“Next!”

So I go out and get in my car and get in line. I fill out the paperwork. When I get to second in line, this awesome security guard says “you have your smog check?”, shit. “no”. “Ok, you gotta get that.”, “Even for a new(ish) Hybrid?”, “this is a hybrid? No! You are all set!”. Oh man, how awesome is that? (I guess this is the second positive thing that happened. Having a Hybrid. Of course, soon that will come into question…

I get to the front of the line, and the most timid, shy, introverted person I have ever met is wielding the clipboard. Now, I should say that I seem to bowl over introverts. I dominate the conversation, making them wish that either they could disappear or that I would die. I decided to be deferring and calm and quiet. Totally worked, he looked at my stuff and I was all set. The awesome security guard pointed out a free parking space and I was back into the offices to get my stuff done.

The inside… Imagine a bank. Lots of tellers. Now, behind these tellers, imagine there is a kind of machine grey fortress wall. With gun turretts every 9 feet or so. I crap you not, it looked like an Arnold movie.

I turn in my paperwork and sit. I have an appointment. That means nothing now. I am in the system. “Ve have vays ov making you vait”.

While sitting there, I get to watch one of the DMV people berating a guy. “6 months? Your tabs have been expired for 6 months?”, “I know”, “Sir, you wait 6 months and then come in here? After that long?”

She is not being funny. She is not playing around. She is scolding and berating this man. If it had been me, I would have said “Lady, you have almost no power. Either you can let me pay my fines and get my tags or you can tell me to pound sand. What you cannot do is take out all of your bad life choices on me. It is not my fault you failed. It is not my fault you work here. Shut the front up.”

Anyway, super awesome entertainment.

I get my number called (A009, I like to think the A stands for Appointment. I am a DMV VIP). I go to window 5 and here sits my Saviour. The one who will end all the waiting and get this thing done.

I need to describe her. Kind of a frankenstein of cultures. A Cultural Goulash. Now, I should first say she was sweet, kind, pretty  efficient and helpful. Ok, Let’s begin.

She had the bleached hair of an Italian girl, the face of a polish girl, the torso of a Chinese gymnast, the fingernails of a Vietnamese nail stylist, the butt of a rap video girl and the legs of a 15 year old white girl. Read that again. Go ahead.

So, she looks at my stuff. She asks for my smog check. I say

“the guy told me I didn;t need on since it is a hybrid”.

“Your title says Gas powered”.

The guy who did the inspection happens to sit down at the next window. I saaid, it was a hybrid, right?

“I didn;t notice”

The woman says “I am going to have to go take a look”

We walk out to the car. She looks at the “Hybrid” plate on the back of the car. Not convinced. I open the hood. She looks. Now here is the best part of the whole experience. The following is verbatim and is not changed in any way. Full on QUOTE.

“It has a gas engine”

“It’s a hybrid. It uses gas AND an electric motor”

“Hm. I feel like this is kind of half and half”

me, eyes probably bigger than my face now: “Um, Hybrid?”

When I show her the guages that have “charge” and stuff on them, she buys it. We go back inside, she gives me my title for 400 bucks and voila:

My car's new name

So there you have it. I am a California  resident. Well, no, my car is. I am not. I will post my next DMV experience as well. Hopefully it will do the same this one did, which was to cause me to chuckle all the way home.

s

So long, in fact, that I have no idea where I left off. So let’s start fresh, shall we?

I am still working around the area, doing some really great shows. Some work (WAshington State University, Comedy Underground) some free (Big Bully Show, Open Mics) and am looking forward to September and October cause I have some big fun stuff coming up:

• September 15, Jazzbones in Tacoma - Headlining in the town I grew up in. With Jess Wyrick and Jon Gardner… It’ll be a lot of fun..
• September 22, Red Wind Casino in Yelm - A great opportunity for me to do a show where a bunch of my family is. This should be a good one!
• October 9,10, Laughs Comedy Spot in Kirkland - Hosting for the amazing Maria Bamford. Come see her do her thing. It’s phenominal (sp?)
• October 11, Laughs comedy Spot - My 40th Birthday Roast. My sister is putting this together and it will either be the party of the century or a train wreck. Either way it is going to be AWESOME!!!

Ok, I am going to bed. i love you all. Stay tuned. Things are happening.

s

The good

I couldn;t wait to get my hands on what is being touted the “new iPhone Killer”. With a touch screen, accelerometer (the thing that lets you rotate the device and have the screen adjust accordingly), 8 gigs of storage, it sure keeps up with the iPhone there.

Then, there’s the extra stuff… The proximity sensor, so the phone knows when it is next to your face and turns off the screen. The multitasking. No more going back to the main os and starting a different app. The Synergy framework, which allows all my contacts (phone, gmailo, facebook, twitter, SMS, etc. etc.) to be looked at as one contact list. Suh-Weet. Also, the syncing with gmail means that my calendar, contacts and email are always in sync both “in the cloud” and on my phone. All of this moves it past the iPhone easily. All for 200 bucks.

The bad

I have only found a couple things that I don;t like. As a comic, I have gotten used to taking voice notes on my phone when I am driving or doing something that doesn;t allow me to type or write. No voice recorder on the Pre.

Also, It is a >tad< slow at times. Not much, but enough that I sometimes get impatient. Also, the screen is a bit smaller than the iPhone( but brighter and, in my opinion, better looking.). Finally, the battery life is a bit less than I would prefer but it’s a new phone so I am futzing with it quite a bit. Life may get better.

But boy does it look good. Touch screen AND a keyboard? A REAL keyboard. Super sweet.

The Tips

Read the manual. I know, it hurts, but there are some non-intuitive things in there. Especially some of the navigation stuff. For example, I have talked to a number of people who didn;t realize that the launcher panes scroll up and down. So they didn;t see all the apps. when in doubt, tap on stuff. Try swiping letf and right.

Another good example is how to remove things from lists like the mail and sms lists… I accidentally discovered you can swipe a list entry to the right and it displays a delete button to delete that line. Works most places in the OS.

Allright, gotta get back to the real work. Go out and buy a Palm Pre. It;s worth it.

I fell down on the job. No, bookers, don;t worry about workman’s comp, I mean I didn;t post the past few days. Travelling, working the day job, gambling and, it goes without saying, drinking a teensy amount.

I don;t remember where I left off and I am too lazy to go look. So let’s start with Billings.

First, I gotta say that Chad Korb is awesome. He is the perma host at the Billings room, and is so nice and so funny.

We had a good show, with me opening with 45 and Laura doing about 50. There were a bunch of coervette owners there for a rally, so i had lots of fun with them. After the show, we hung out, sold shirts, and chatted with everyone who came by to tell us they loved the show. I even got my ass kicked by a bartender from the San Juans.

Next morning, we had breakfast with Chad, and then headed out for Spokane. Yep, Goodtymes. Some comics don;t like GT. Some do. i am one of the ones who does. You have to WORK at GT. You have to make them laugh. You never get an easy show at GT. I worked and, imho, I burned it up. Laura opened and set them up well, and I went up and did 50 and rocked it. Thanks to everyone at GT, you guys are awesome.

Next, we drove to Coos Bay. This place is BEAUTIFUL. The hotel is amazing and makes me remember my poor white trash beginnings because while I am here I feel like I should be washing dishes or vacuumming. I should not be a guest here. It’s too nice.

Tonight we have two shows, with me closing the first one and LP closing the second one. I can feel it. We’re gonna burn em down.

Video to come soon of the shows…

Holy crap, I forgot the most amazing thing…

A “thing” came up (no details forthcoming, it suffices to say that someone who didn;t know what he was talking about decided to disagree with 100 people at the same show) and we were a little “bugged”. Then, the universe kicked us in the ass.

Unknown to us, we missed our exit. The next exit had a park with a rest stop. So we stopped. Sat on a picnic table and all of a sudden about 15 baby geese were just walking around. Right next to us. With protective mom’s and dads. just us, big ass geese and a shitload of soft feathered baby geese. It was the most amazing and peacful thing. Video to follow.

then, we get in the car, realize that we missed our exit. The 30 minutes we spent with nature WASN’T supposed to happen! Awesome.

Then, we see a “Elk Viewing” sign. We pull up to an empty curb, get out and see maybe 40 elk. They raise their heads. They stare at us. Then, the biggest one starts walking towards us. Then they all do. Slowly, the whole herd is looking at us and moving towards us. It was beautiful. And weird. Anytime you have a group of anything staring at you and moving towards you, it’s weird.

But I was not scared, because I have kicked an elk’s ass before. That, or the fence that protected us. Anyway, they got within 20 feet, and I started filming. I took a couple steps yowards them and the head one bleeted. sounded something like “asshole’s on the move, let’s roll!”. and they all bolted.

We also saw a bald eagle. Get a wig, birdbrain. No one likes a creepy old feathered guy.

so then we got to the casino, maybe drank some. Ate, gambled (up 35) and went to sleep.

I’ll post more later, inclkuding videos of all the nature crap.

I love you all like dumb stepchildren. Thanks for reading. I miss you.

I pulled it out and had a great time. Love this room.

Tonight is Billings. Last time I was there, we had a 50th High School reunion group there. It was a bloodbath. Better this time.

I am working so I can;t take too long, stay tuned and I will give a longer travelogue this weekend.

I went up about 9:30, came off about 10:20, so I did around 50 minutes. And without a beer on stage. Can you imagine? Jeez.

Laura went up and did a great 55. Solid all the way through. It’s hard to know how you are doing in that room because of the chatter in the back of the room and the bright lights. But she did really well.

Today, we got up, I worked for 4 or 5 hours, got in the car and poof, my cell was useless. I told you all I was working on the road well, not this afternoon I wasn;t. When are we going to get broadband wireless that works? In our heads? For free? Sheesh, technologists, stop focusing on those porn sites and develop something to help me develop software while doing 90 on a freeway in Montana.

Oh, I should mention also that Laura recently “learned” to “drive” a stick shift. She’s doing pretty well, but there’s still some difficulty. That’s ok, it makes driving exciting.

So, tonight is Pocatello, ID. Lasy time I was here, I was excited because it was the only bar in a Ramada inn I had ever seen that had a stripper pole in it. Guess what? The stripper pole is gone. I just checked. Dammit.

Last time I was here, I watched a couple methheads smoke up out by the pool. This time it is a bunch of guys in the parking lot with a barbecue and a van that they have written in the dirt “I LOVE MEN” and “This van is for homsexuals” (their spelling, not mine).

Woop woop! Time to ratchet it up to Defcon Funny. Talk to you all later.

Sean

Awright, here we go. Four states, 13 days, 1 car, 1 full time job and two people. One with the ability to send text messages, one not.
It is the beginning of the Superfun Comedy tour. Laura Park and I co-headlining our way through Montana, Washington, Idaho and Oregon. Kicking ass and taking names.

Now, the timing on this tour couldn’t be more perfect. Great weather, a car that gets 50 miles to the gallon, comedy coming out of my ears if not my head. The only bummer is that I am doing Idaho Falls on a Thursday. See, I am also working a full time job from the road (geeky software stuff, you wouldn;t be interested) and my day starts with a conference call every day at 7:30am.

Now, those of you who know me have heard the tale of my moment in Idaho Falls. I had heard horror stories from some comics that I.F. was “difficult”. That they were unforgiving, relentless and mean. So I was ready for battle.

Turns out, they were amazing. I had one of my best shows ever. Easy. Was I completely drunk by the time I got off stage? Yes. Were there inappropriate pictures floating around the internet the next day? yes. Did I have to wall-walk back to my room? Yes. Did I end my set curled up on the stage screaming “Is this what you want from me?”. Again, yep. But I.F. has a special place in my heart.

SO, Thursday night I am closing the I.F. show. I will get off stage about 7 hours before my conference call. It will be a battle between Good and Evil. It will be the classic fight between doing the right thing and doing the super fantastic awesome thing.

I should also give a shout out to the people I now work with. See, when I went in to meet them for the firsst time, my website was on a monitor in the office. they are stalking me, I am sure of it. Not because they think I am awesome, but to try to figure out how it is possible I am so damn boring in the office, yet such a Rock Star elsewhere. My only answer to them is “I am not allowed to drink in the office”. Case closed.

So, I am now in Missoulla Montaana. Of which today Todd Barry wrote “Missoulla is supposed to be beautiful”. I responded, “It’s raining. You are right it IS _supposed_ to be beautiful. But not right now.

Tonight is the Inn On Broadway show. Last time I was here there was a bachelorette party front and center. Penis straw toppers, the whole 9 yards. I had a great time and hope to do the same tonight.

Tomorrow we leave for Pocatello, ID. The only Ramada I know of that has a stripper pole in the bar. Bring your 1’s, fellas, I may change my name to Chantel and give the pole a spin.

Or, I will tell jokes. Either way, you spend money.

Oh, also, for the first time, I have brought T-Shirts on the road. The are white and say “.079 is my lucky number”. Gonna see if they sell. Thanks to Susan Jones for being super awesome and hooking me up.

Ok, time to get my gameface on and my rhymes together. I’ll talk to everyone tomorrow. Some of you on this blog, and some of you at 7:30am. If you have any compassion, you will kill me.

rock!

If you don;t knonw how to read so gud, feel free to look at the pictures… My flickr page and Laura’s

Here’s the premise: 4 comics head out on a USO tour. A beautifuk woman, a suburban dad, a film maker and a veteran headliner. Quite a mishmash of different comedy styles. Laura: an insightful L.A. comic. Wiley: a long time, strong story teller, Dan: A seattle staple and an “alt” short form comic. And me. Mister smile and talk.

Wiley, Dan and I flew out of Seattle the morning of the 28th. Laura flew out of L.A. We met in Honalulu. Then, we flew ANOTHER 6 hours to Guam.

GUAM
We arrived in Guam unsure what to expect. Picked up at the airport, we headed to the bachelor’s Quarters. We each had our own room, and lots of sites to see.

Wait, I should describe each person’s travel style. Laura wants to see everything. Except when she needs to go hermitize in her room. I am happy being out, but seem to get tired out by the touristy stuff. Wiley watches TV and does… not…. swim. Dan seems to be a hybrid of me and wiley.

Ok, now that we have that out of the way, back to Guam…

Our housing was on the base, across from the venue of the first show. We were about a mile from a private beach, and spent a couple mornings there, at Gab Gab beach.

We had heard that Brown Snakes were everywhere. We were fearful. There were no snakes. Only Cane Toads. LOTS of dead Kane Toads. the road was coated with them.The beach was just like you see in travel magazines. Warm water, soft sand, beautiful sun. We swam, we played, we drank, we got sunburned.

Bought a couple movies, spent time at GabGab beach, tried to open a coconut. Looked like an idiot. Had the floor’s wireless router in my room. So Dan spent lots of time at my room. Probably downloading porn.

We found shells that looked like faces, frogs that looked dead, Streets filled with massage parlors (note: There is a massage parlor named “Itchybang” which is directly above a club named “Ballscratchers”. I shit you not), views that were breathtaking. 

Laura and I ate at a grill on the beach that was great. Kids and dogs and jetskis running around. Beautiful.

The first show was at Typhoonz. Leave it to the Navy to name their base bar after the one thing that devestates the island.

The stage was a big, tall stage. The lights were bright and hot. The dance floor had tables set up. For whatever reason, there were only a half dozen people there. We all made the best of it, interacting with the crowd and having a good time. The show was about an hour thirty and the audience went away happy. A small start, but a fun start.

The next night was at the Anderson Air Force Base. And it was PACKED. Holy crap. The place was filled to capacity. 

IF Guam had been all we visited, it would have been the most beautiful place ever. But we visited 4 places. And it was a close 3rd.

Don;t get me wrong, each place had something that was leaps and bounds better than the others (Guam had maybe the best, mostest rockinest show as well as the best tour guide… Honolulu the biggest base and coolest tag team tourguides. plus turtles. Kauai had the best beds super fluffy and very tall, as well as the best bodyboarding. Kwajalein had the best everything. It is the overall winner.).

So. Guam. Awesome. Frank the Driver was super great. Everyone was, in fact. Super nice, super helpful. This whole tour was filled with people helping us out, taking care of us and treating us really great. Thanks for Frank, Tina and everyone at both clubs for a GREAT experience in Guam.

Then… Kwajalein. I can’t really explain too much about this place, as I already know I will fail to convey how great it is. There;s no way. 3 miles long, 1/4 mile wide. Perfect beaches, beautiful ocean, no cars, only golf carts and bikes. The people? Amazing. So cool, so nice. When we got there, we were taken to the beach for a barbecue they were throwing for us. FOR US. How cool is that? It was great. [How many times am I going to use the word great in this post? a LOT).

We had a day off to hang out on Kwaj. We walked, drove (golf cart) and swam. There are baseball fields and skate parks there. Everyone was really nice and the weather was PERFECT. If any of you say you were at the best place on earth and then do not say Kwajalein, I will punch you in the neck for being wrong.

Next we headed to Honolulu…. Staying at Pearl Harbor Naval Base. Great quarters, great people. We had a GREAT show at the base, packed and fun. The CD of that show will be available soon on the BaseHUmor.com site…

Other shows were also great, if interesting. A Marine Base with Babies and little kids, an air force base with drunk Army guys, etc.

I have run out of steam. Sorry all, but my brain isn;t pushing out any more information, so I am gonna stop. Feel free to ask me for more details if you are dying for that.

Thanks to AFE, Wiley Roberts, Dan Moore and, of course, Laura Park who put this whole thing together and is amazing in her own right.

Sean